Week 10 - Look Mom I'm a Fetus now!

So, junior is now a fetus.

I am still exhausted. People at work have been noticing that this draggyness has been prolonged, but I doubt that anyone would suspect.

I have been good - watching what I am eating...but definately not excercising enough. It is far too cold for a walk that's for sure (minue 44 yesterday!). I may have to join a Gym or rec centre. Maybe, Alan will go with me.

No one seems to talk about all the conflicting feelings you get - it is just assumed you are a glowing package of motherhood. Well for me, that's not true.

For example, I really have no interest in other people's children - even less now that before. Someone brought in their 2 week old baby today...all I could think was - gawd please don't cry. And really didn't want to get too close less it become too real for me right now.

Looking forward to Christmas, but not travelling. I am already exhausted just thinking about the travel. Strangely, I am not feeling ready to tell the whole family that we are expecting, and I am not sure why. Hmmmnnnn. Drawing a blank.

Maybe it is that I am having to go through a MASSIVE transformation and I really just don't want people to press to hard on the bruises. I really hate it when people call me "Mom" or "mommy" for example. I have not become a mom, and I am desperately trying to get my head around what that means. I am not looking forward to the attention, advice, and warnings about how much my life will change and how"you won't be able to do THAT anymore". Hopefully people willl just be happy and leave it at that.

It is just overwhelming - maybe that's it.

There's No Turning Back

Experiencing such a full range of emotions in the course of a day is exhausting. I have a persisting feeling of wanted to turn back. I am having "I'm scared shitless" day. Bo matter how "empowering you hear people talk about giving birth - All I can think is...I don't care to be empowered, I don't event care to be privy to the "miracle of birth" - I want to be gassed and wake up the next day like nothing ever happened. I don't get all this talk about "empowered...the power of the woman...I think it is all some way of coping with what it really is...damn painful.

Very tired today...can't wait to get home, have nap and do yoga and try to get in touch with my Inner power - tee hee....errrgh.

Week 9

So here we are at week 9.

I have experienced my first food aversion (to bacon and sausage) and I have been expereincing a feeling of breathlessness (it feels like you are gasping for air). Sometimes it feels like yo are being drowned by your own body. I have learned recently that this is a normal sensation that is caused by hormones...still more things that we are never told.

It seems that this is a journey of mystery in many way for each woman. While some things are consistent...everyone expereinces this so very differently. Which leaves me with a scary feeling of not really having anyone able to tell me what I can REALLY expect when I am expecting.

My greatest fear so far is that I will dissappear. I will fade inot the background of this new life. I don't know if this is selfish, or if I am speculating on things I do not understand. I have said it before, it many ways I am not done being me yet. I still need to BECOME something - not just a mother...and not only a mother.

Firs Appointment with the Doc - Week 8

Hello fellow secret keepers,

Well I just got back from the doctors office and it's official - the sore boobs, cramping and general malaise are not from a mpending period and a hangover...I am definitely pregnant with the little person expected to arrive by July 20th! Start booking time off...I'm not doing this alone!

I have not gained weight yet..in fact I lost three pounds (probably from dehydration) from my last visit. I have been very lucky so far - no nausea...just really tired. My uterus has gone from the size of a fist to a big florida grapefriut. Got all kinds of blood taken today to check a bunch of stuff, mostly my thyroid...and got some pamphlets and stuff. Relatively uneventful.

Baby no longer looks like a tadpole - he/she had his/her first heartbeat at 6 weeks, and is growing a little brain and spinal cord and now has little ears and eyes and arms that bend...but fingers are still to come. Baby is not even an inch long! Next week will be 9 weeks and apparently may waist should start to get thicker (I think I was already ahead of the game there, so maybe not (hell I hope not or I will have to go shopping).

Things that don't happen when you are pregnant:
1) The hormones do not put you in a la la state that makes you think labour will be a piece of cake...I'm scared Sh#less...
2) You do not have an overwhelming urge to pick up every toddler/baby in site...if anything...you savour the time that you don't have to. If you guys are in I am going on the biggest "spoil myself rotten" binge over the next 7 months...that means, massage, pedicures, facials, long quiet baths, hell I might even book a trip to Mexico - Are guys game?

Anyhow, I just I'd keep you in the loop. Everything is going exceptionally well. I meet with the mid-wife next week. I will likely have her for my primary care if she can take me ;).

The Perfect Parasite

So, accordnig to my physician I am nurturing the perfect parasite. It will take from my body what it needs - which puts a different spin on the whole...eating well for baby scenario...I am eating to save my life!

Baby will tak eall the calcium it needs to develop his little bones...but I had better start drinking milk to keep my own bones from disintgrating...what an addded buit of unexpected stress.

So while some mothers have the picture of a tiny pretty wee little miracle growing in their bellies...I can't help but think back to some Alien movies...and my growing perfect parasite.

Nellie, Anna and Lisa

I told my three dear friends in the order they were listed, and broke the golden rule - I announced that I was pregnant before 12 weeks! I figured that I should tell those closest to me...if anything happens... at least you know who you will need to lean on first.

I told Nellie and Joe on the phone the Saturday morning after I had confirmed the result one more time. We both laughed ans squeeled on the phone...it was so amazing to share the happiness I felt at that moment - I would be someone's mom and that my friend believed inme...that I might be able to pull it off ;)

Anna was in Thailand. I was so excited to tell her because the baby is due on her birthday - July 20th, 2005. I had to tell her in-person. Anna has a way of falling aprrt over big news like this...so I had to wait to see her this past weekend. It was very cute - Anna cornered me and said" look if you are pregnant you ahd better damn well tell me!" - So, I proceeded to tell her to stop being so crazy and settle down...she responded with "well then why have I got such anxiety about this?!"...so I quietly responded...because I am 7 weeks pregnant probably...Anna Looked like she was goig to fal over...then she turned white...and then really couldn't speak for a while. Rob said she loked like she saw a ghost. So I told her to put on some blush...and lip gloss (this is my answer to having to battle just about any form of fear and anxiety) and get back inside ;) After a big hug of course. Poor Anna - her first reaction was "how will I be ther for you"...You have to move to Toronto!

The morning after...Lisa D called and I told her over the phone...I didn't want her to be the only one that didn't know...Lisa started to cry...and said it was the happiest news she ever heard...she said I would be a wonderful mom...and I believed her with all my heart...

I told my mother

My mother and I have a complicated past. So do her and her mom. Mom was 16 when she was first pregnant with me, and everything just got harder for her from there. She was living away from home and did not have a lot of support. She was a survivor and a fighter long before this, but her choice to keep me would have her fighting harder that she ever thought against great odds.

She was still trying to become someone which I ma sure made it harder for her to give what she heself had never received.

Over the years of growing up in a single parent home with little money was hard. But, we never went hungry and we never had to be ashamed of our home. Mom kept everything immaculate and it always looked nicer than any other house I knew. But with her working several jobs, dragging us to daycare in the wee hours of the morning, us bed wetting at the babysitters and not being able to get enough time with mom was hard.

Our relationship was weak and volitile at times. We have come closer together, and as she is aging, she has become more vulnerable, fighting less and embracing more.

For so long I had seen having children as a great burden- that I would toil the way my mother did. But I am coming to realise that my childhood is not every childhood, and that I already have more than enough to bring a child into my life without sacrificing everything. So, this time, the thought of being pregnant - rather being pregnant- does not bring with it the fear and anxiety it did before. Instead I am filled with excitement...

Telling mom felt like we were turning our attention from our past toward the future. A second chance to love a little person better now than she ever could before - a second chance for us to love a little person better than we had loved eachother. And I think she is thrilled.

Week 5

Welcome to our Pregblog.

I have recently confirmed the suspiscion that I am 5 weeks pregnant.
I knew the very morning after though. I can't say how, I just did.

I tenatively told Alan that my tummy felt "funny" - but wasn't sure whether I should be so bold as to say I know I am pregnant - just in case.

We are still in the red right now, so I a taking extra care to make sure that everything will go well. I am looking forward to a surprise announcment at Christmas. Alan and I should have some fun with that.

How I am feeling:
Feeling premenstral and tired. Definately peeing more than usual, but so far no morning sickness, or weird cravings.

I do need to get some daily excercise in...I definately don't want to hit the 200lb mark! Whoa...thta woud be too much. I ma kinda hoping that the little guy will help by using up some of the valuable fat stores, so it is diet as usual for me.